Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
