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Sarah's Story: Embracing Her Asexual Nature

Sarah, 37: “I’ve not once been fond of sex. In my youth, I felt defective since people praised it highly.”

The sole matter that Cameron and I have disagreed on is intimacy in our relationship. After meeting nine years ago, physical intimacy was certainly something he desired on a regular basis than I wanted. Around a few months of being together, we decided to experiment with a non-monogamous setup so that he could seek out people who have higher libidos than me.

There were feelings of jealousy in the beginning, but our relationship was deepened because honest talks, and I grew to feel very confident in our partnership. This has been a great benefit for both of us, since I have never loved sex. In my younger years, I felt broken because everyone else emphasized its importance, but I never fully comprehended the appeal about it.

After discovering an asexuality resource on social media recently, it was deeply relatable. I was shocked, as back then I identified as a sexual person – I like to masturbate, and I’d had a fair amount of sex during my twenties. But I think I had those encounters because I felt guilty – a hangover of being a teenager in a culture that tells us one must please your man.

The resource helped me understand was that asexuality is a wide range. To illustrate, I experience no sexual desire, even for individuals who I admire visually. I enjoy how they look, but I don’t want to engage sexually with them. But I enjoy having orgasms. For me, it’s fun and it provides relief – a method to clear out everything on my mind in my head.

It was very freeing to tell my partner that asexuality describes me. He accepts it. We sometimes be physical, as I feel intense intimacy as well as closeness to him during those moments, and I am making the conscious decision when I desire to be close to him in that way. It isn’t that I have a sexual desire, but I have alternative purposes to be intimate, like wanting to be close. I observe how much he enjoys it, and that gives me pleasure. Similarly that a person who is allosexual can choose to refrain from sex, I can opt to engage in intimacy for other reasons than being turned on.

His Perspective: Love Beyond Sex

A 36-year-old man: The fact that sex isn’t the focus doesn’t mean that love isn’t.”

Physical intimacy used to be a high priority to me. It was the source from which I derived much of my self-worth. I was unwell and hospitalized often as a teenager, so sex evolved into an activity that I believed offered mastery with my physical self. It then really change upon getting to know Sarah, as physical intimacy was no longer the top priority in our relationship.

With Sarah, I discovered additional merit in other parts of my identity, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to have sex outside our relationship now either. Whenever I experience the urge for intimacy, there exist different approaches I can handle it. Self-pleasure is a possibility, but it might involve a long walk, considering my thoughts or creative expression.

When Sarah discovered her identity, I started to understand that attraction is primarily about emotional connection. This can occur through sex, but also through alternative ways that are equally worthy and satisfying. I had a particular notion of this identity – if sex was absent, you didn’t ever feel arousal. But it varies widely, and it requires patience to understand your position on it.

We’ve been together for several years, and just because sex isn’t the main focus doesn’t mean that affection is lacking. Making specific time for romance is crucial for both of us. Occasionally we’ll get complex building kits and assemble them a little bit daily, which feels really intimate. Sometimes we plan a special night and go out for a non-alcoholic drink and dinner. We snuggle and discuss futures ahead, which is a form of care. I feel much satisfaction from preparing meals for others, and I feel really happy like an afterglow of sex.

Sarah’s asexuality has just expanded the understanding of what our relationship means. It is similar to limiting the resources at your disposal to work with – you have to think innovatively with what you have. It challenges you to think creatively. But it didn’t diminish the love that I experience for my partner in any way.